Gonna write whatever comes to mind again. I haven’t been able to talk or write for too long recently. I can’t even organize my thoughts well. What I know is that the issue of permanence is boggling me. I know that it’s hard to acquire anything I’d never lose but what I wish for is something predictable and will last for at least a long period of time. I used to wear sunglasses every time I go home but I suddenly stopped doing so. After some time, I found them in my drawer and decided to wear them again. But before getting on the jeepney, the frame broke and I was unable to wear them for the rest of my long trip. It’s kind of similar to the story of my pink headband that I wore during my first grade in elementary. I couldn’t express my joy after I discovered it on my desk after almost a decade. But before I could try it on, it broke. I guess some things can happen too late. I’m sure people aren’t there to stay as well so I decided to cherish the present rather than imagine a scenario somewhere in the future. Everything changes so fast that I don’t even have the time to catch up on what’s going on. There are major decisions that even I can’t comprehend. So random. I really wish that I could settle on something, someday. But then again, I may forget this and go back to living the moment. The effects of alcohol, sleepiness and boredom have been proven to be lethal haha For some reason, I’m suddenly listening to the radio, writing random stuff on my tumblr after a long long time and yeah, thinking about a lot of things but at the same time, not focusing on anything :)) I remember my trip back to the dormitory where I ran across two men at midnight. My roommate then told me a story about her friend who was chased by two men before midnight at the same place the night before. Eeeww…reeaally creeeepy. Oh well~ So random :| Should someone say something without assurance or should he/she just blurt whatever he/she feels like saying at that moment? If I did the latter, the outcome would be half-assed and would probably cause further strain…or not. I dunnoooooo and I wouldn’t care anymore… So troublesome haha Oh well…

I always think about different things whether they are important or just trivial matters but at the same time, I often space out even during the most crucial moments. It is always through writing that I discover what I really think about and what I feel about certain things. And finally, I get to tap a topic that’s been off my mind for so long in spite of its role in my life. The thing is, I have a poor memory. I cannot recall the emotions and thoughts I had during a specific moment. This time, as thoughtless and wasteful as others may see it, I am actually pulling out from something I never really thought about. I cannot remember why I wanted to do it and I cannot remember the hardships I’ve been through, but somehow, I can’t see the meaning to continue and the ‘me’ who’s going to be there forever. I guess it really is when writing unconsciously that your real feelings are mirrored so be it right or wrong, good or bad, rational or irrational, I’ll just rely on this gut feeling and let this be my final call. I’m not saying I’m not gonna regret this though because I think it is highly probable. From now on, I’m gonna live in freedom. And by freedom, I mean not only the freedom to choose but also the freedom from the difficulty to choose. If I rely on my instincts, I think I’ll survive and so be it. Besides, I really don’t want to be stuck in an uncomfortable setting where I always think about each and every move I make. I don’t work hard to have a good life and withstand pain to attain happiness, simply because it’s not worth it. And in this case, I’m letting go of unnecessary things and by unnecessary, I mean things that are troublesome.

Wu-wei Activated

fuckyeahlaughters:

When they first wake you up:

As soon as they walk out:

When you hear them coming to wake you up for a second time:

“I’m up, I’m up!”

ALL THE TIME

.

(Source: dong-lim, via thecoolandspicyotaku)

We were supposed to have a meeting on a room opposite the hall where my friends are attending a party. I was wearing my girl scout uniform, trying to get myself out of the boring conversation, pretending to listen and interact with my fellow students.

When it was meal time, a big serving of lunch was given to me yet I didn’t feel enticed with the food at all as I was really longing to be with my friends, with all the fun and stuff. I didn’t touch the food and sneaked outside so I could finally take a breather.

The hall was empty. Silence enveloped the huge space where my friends lied asleep. Obviously, there was no party waiting for me there. I heard an unpleasant cry from my stomach so I decided to help myself with the food. When I looked back, the hall seemed to get smaller, with the size of a flat in a Japanese horror movie.

There was a can of ‘corned tuna’, my favorite, so I opened it and washed its lid. Water rushed in the can and drowned my corned tuna. Leaving me with no other option, I just fried it to dry. The result was weird; only tiny bits of yellow corned tuna were left on the pan. I chewed them, savoring the bitter taste of shattered charcoal.

Suddenly, people rushed in the room, which turned out to be an auditorium. They took their seats so I took mine randomly. The men were wearing coats, like businessmen while the lady beside me was wearing a Victorian gown, with all the powder and make-up. And when I looked at the other side, more fabulous women were seated in their long gowns, cocktail dresses and any other clothing that was far better than my girl scout uniform.

I quickly made a visit to the restroom to change my clothes. I guess I did have a backpack with me before. The door had no lock so I had to hold it while changing my clothes. After I finished with my skirt, I noticed kids hanging on the door. I yelled at them so they took their leave. But before I could finally wear my shirt, I saw an old man looking from the other side of the wall and then another man who suddenly appeared before the door. I couldn’t wear my shirt for I had to keep one hand to shut the door. I grabbed my girl scout uniform and covered myself before I could take my leave.

When I finally got out of the restroom, I was suddenly in front of the crowd, being introduced by some man in a black coat. He pointed at my girl scout uniform and the crowd applauded. He concluded the ‘conference’ and everyone left, leaving only people in plain clothes.

A woman’s voice announced that the train was heading to some place which sounded like ‘Chuo’. Everyone around me seemed so fair-skinned and had small eyes. My friends were seated randomly, I couldn’t see their faces though I could tell they were my friends.

I got to ask one man where the train was heading and he said, “Chuo”. I knew I had to go to the opposite side of the track but I got trapped in the train.

The next thing I know, I was on the sidewalk, with brown railings dividing the road and the rice field. It seemed like it was the place next to where I was staying. I finally said, “Ahh, eto ang *couldn’t remember*. At least ngayon di na’ko maliligaw.” (Oh, so this is *couldn’t remember*. At least now I won’t get lost anymore.)

And that was…my dream between 9:30 and 10:30 in the morning. (I fell asleep again after I woke up LOL)

I’ve had lots of longer and more complicated dreams than this one but I felt like writing this so I could recall it properly for I felt that there was something in it and I was right: the boring and tiresome but bountiful days which I abandoned for pleasure, the consequences of always running after pleasure, the unbearable attention from trying hard to fit in, the real self which we can shine with, the friends who were always around but needed to be approached (something I never did in the dream), and the future that is hoped for but is always vague.

I may be reading my dream too much =)) Dreams really are amazing but…

What’s with the girl scout uniform anyway???